Reminiscence

The amaryllis is trying hard to do its thing. I'm hoping that it will be fully open on Christmas, at least two flowers anyway. Another stem appears to be emerging from the bulb, or it could be a bunch of leaves. It puts out so much effort for just a few days of bloom.

I find myself thinking about my mother, who died of cancer on Christmas Eve, 1980. My siblings and I were all by her side. Christmas has not been the same since. I often get depressed this time of year, and this year has been no different. Despite the 26 year distance the memories are as clear as if it happened yesterday. When contemplating this, I realized that I have very clear memories of the bad things that have occurred in my life. I can still feel the hurt, embarassment, humiliation, and sadness from nearly every adverse episode I have been through; but I remember very few good times. This is not to say that there weren't very many good times---I just don't remember them. This is very odd. Somehow I just don't seem to lay down those memories as strongly as I do the painful ones. Is this normal? Is there a psychological basis for this? I'm sure Freud would have a field day with me.

My mother and I were very close. She was a wonderful woman who had a very hard life. She rarely had a bad word to say about anyone. The pain of her death was of long duration for all of us. I wonder if any of my siblings still thinks about her this time of year.

One of my nieces is in the hospital tonight, bringing her firstborn into the world. Would that this happy event could replace the memory of that night of vigil 26 years ago. I hope that it does, at least for her parents.

Maya Angelou wrote: "I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting?' with 'It is here in my heart and mind and memories.'" How true.